This jellybean, lying forlornly on some toilet tissue – how can that sum up all my hopes and dreams for this child? I almost welcome the pain and blood that happens when I miscarry. When a friend dies, you can seek solace in the company of other mourners.
Aside from my sadness and guilt, I’m struggling with the fear that I’ll never live down my infidelities or be able to make it up to him.
It is clouding the positive memories I have of him.
Dear Abby: My boyfriend died unexpectedly a few months ago, and it has been a struggle to get through my sadness.
We had been through a lot in the year and a half we were dating, including some infidelities on my part.
You feel more squeamish, more nauseous, more emotional and more hygienic. My mind replayed moments with him – a ceaseless video stream of memories, which was part of the way that my brain processed the loss. The word "baby" was never mentioned by the staff in the Early Pregnancy Advisory Unit. I feel as though I must be kidding myself, wallowing in a morass of grief over a person who never even lived.
The hormone rushes make you feel like you're stoned. With a miscarriage, I'm left battling through the layers of euphemism to even recognise that I have been bereaved. When the scan revealed that my baby was no longer viable, I was referred for an operation with the horrendous name of "Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception". Every time my mind trips back to this death, this loss, it strikes on empty, because there's nothing there to miss.And it's true, and I love my son dearly: he is perfect, wonderful and amazing. It's only by feeling them and naming them that you can get through them.I am aware that the pain of other women who never carry a child must be greater than mine. Having had a baby, I know exactly what it is I've lost. I have been heavily pregnant myself and I know it's no fun. And if you try to run away from them, they have a habit of catching up with you.Abby, when I wear headphones (even on a very low volume), it tunes out almost everything.By her strong reaction, I am assuming this woman is unusually sensitive to noise, but this is a gym, not a library. I don’t think I have ever been called rude in any other situation, and I always try to be pleasant and accommodating, so I would appreciate your thoughts. When people work out at a shared facility, they have to expect there will be other people there.However, if that doesn’t satisfy her, mention that she might be happier if she worked out at a different time when the place isn’t as full.